Guest Post by Kathy S.
Whatever their age, I don’t think we are ever prepared for the loss of a parent. Parents are our world until we can take care of ourselves and they continue to help us throughout our lives. When my mom became terminally ill and she found it difficult to care for herself, we needed to make many important decisions. If I can help anyone through this process, it will be worth the sharing of my experience.
When your parent is beginning the journey to the end of their life, you can help them make this transition. At first, it is important to ask your parent’s personal physician to clarify the prognosis. If your parent has a terminal illness, defining a timeline helps all of those caring for them. As an adult child and caretaker, you can begin to adjust your outside commitments and process what is going to happen.
Taking a Leave of Absence
If you only have a few months to say goodbye, it is an added strain to deal with all of the complicated decisions while coping with the shock of the news. In these cases, you may need to move quickly to help your parent with decision making. Taking leave from a job is a good idea if it is possible. If an extended leave isn’t possible, one or two days every few weeks will help you to process the events and allow you to spend concentrated time with your parent. It will also decrease your stress level. Most importantly, it will ease your parent’s mind to know that you are there for them.
Changing Health Conditions
One of the signs you will notice as a parent becomes frailer is a change in their ability to care for themselves. My mom began eating less, sleeping more and moving around more slowly. Her illness and medication kept her off balance and at times created confusion for her. I think we go into denial during these events; it is the way our minds work to protect us. When my mom phoned at 2 a.m. to say she was not able to get back to bed, we knew her illness was progressing.
Making Living Arrangements
It was clear she needed our help and it was time to make a plan. My mother didn’t want to go to a nursing home, and we honored her decision. In this case, you can access nursing care as part of Medicare homecare. Friends and other relatives were also willing to sit for a few hours. Our mother-in-law really felt good that we asked her to make regular visits. Others—who will feel as helpless as you—will be glad to have something concrete to “do” that will help your parent. Don’t be afraid to delegate responsibilities or ask for help when needed. The combination of my brother and I staying with Mom at night (to ensure she was safe and comfortable) and these daytime visitors and caretakers worked well.The loving care provided by children, friends and relatives can be arranged as a weekly plan, and with a terminal illness, is a temporary situation.
Saying Goodbye
During this time, it is a good idea to tell your parent how much you appreciate all that they have done for you. The memory of these conversations will bring you comfort long after your parent passes away. As your parent grows weaker but is still able to talk, you can gather everyone around so they may tell your parent how much they love them. You may be surprised how much your parent will appreciate these words. Taking one day at a time, we do the best we can when we bravely take on end-of-life issues for the love of a parent.
(photo: MagdaMontemor)
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Randy Ryder is a Professor Emeritus at The University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee and is a publisher of Elder Parent Help.